Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
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