I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
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