Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
