I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
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Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
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Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
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