i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
