Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
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