apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
