Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
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