I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
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