Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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