I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
Randomize
