I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
