Ketchup is God's man juice
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
