Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
It doesn't matter if they shave you or not, you're still susceptible to the staph infection.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize
