I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
