I wish I could punch you in the face.
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
