Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
Randomize
