We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
I figured if he was OK cheating on his gf with a guy, he'd be OK with me posting his number to m4m Craigslist Ads
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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