Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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