Dude my mom stole all your condoms
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
So I just went to clothing optional bar
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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