I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
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When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
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I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
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