im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize