I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
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