Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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