Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
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