Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
Girls should come with a carfax report
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
Randomize
