I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Randomize
