Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
