Lost. The hour! Funtime!!!!
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
