So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
She even gives head with a lisp.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
