Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
Randomize
