The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Boobs speak an international language.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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