Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
