So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
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