she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Randomize
