hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
