How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Randomize
