Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Randomize
