When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
