Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
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