The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Little spoons don't ask big questions
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
These 31 Gross People Really Put The ‘Trash’ In ‘Trashed’
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
21 Bartenders That Are Definitely Winning At Their Jobs
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.