I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
her facebook's as public as her vagina
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
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sometimes you have to go after what you want
true. and i really want to cum
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
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Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?