If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
