So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
