I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
