So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Randomize
