we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
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