i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
drinking out of a sandbucket again
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
