in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
Randomize
