We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Nobody cheats on THIS.
Randomize
