Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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