My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
