I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
