Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
Randomize
