I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I'm getting married
To pizza
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
Randomize
