Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
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