He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
