I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
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