If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
