Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
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