we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
Randomize
